i deserve to be alive.

I didn't choose to be born. A boring fact, but important nonetheless, each day I get to choose to be alive. Life only has an off-switch, & very few choose to let the light flicker out in that way, even when overwhelmed by darkness; it's marvelous, isn't it? Each day you make a choice, whether getting out of bed is worth it to you or not; you handcraft your purpose; you create the universe around you.

Life is but a dream. Everything, everyone is a projection of you, yours. You make meaning with your worded thoughts. In between though, the nothingness between those thoughts, those silent drives through the country with your girlfriend, the space between gasping sobs with your mom, the Light that blows out that you choose to relight without knowing what it means, maybe God's there. Here's hoping, right?

Make a dozen poems. Black out. Cry over dead pets. Feel unoriginal. Feel unique. Be anyone you want, yourself included. Run scared from your friend's December birthday party as a hound licks your heels. Laugh in the stairway. Scream at your unfriendly friend. Have a panic attack in the driveway. Get threatened to get punched by your sibling. Upload a voice recording you later feel embarrassed by. Chuckle hard in front of strangers listening to podcasts. Have your first memory be of your father punishing you. Imagine your death over 1 million times. Fantasize about other cities for years. Plan to be better like always. Avoid reading that text from your ex. Kiss someone and feel like love is impossibly lucky. Be accused of sleeping around. Listen to radiohead's A Moon Shaped Pool. Orgasm. Have world-shattering dreams. Read your own writing from years ago. Fear the worst. Pray for the best. Become an atheist. Become an agnostic. Become a christian. Live with your parents into your twenties. Go to therapy for a year then quit. Be sober. Convulse stoned. Pine for someone you can't have with your whole heart. Create something with your entire soul only to forget it. Be your beautiful body. Be the good person you already are. You are a good person. You are a good person.

Live a full human life, unashamed, and just exist, baby. You are God's child. It's time you started feeling like it.

Adam Papes