Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Blogspot, Soundcloud, Bandcamp, MySpace have all taken up bits of my being, pieces of my persona, slices of my self. These are links to & quotes from myself throughout the ages, every internet joke I've ever made that I think is good enough to share again. Adam Bates: an idiot through the years, a reflection, a perspective; enjoy.
Hey there lonely heart! Did you know you can kiss your own arm & hands & stuff? Call up your Mom & tell her you just found someone special! For your health.
Man I love video games. In unrelated news being unemployed sure does give me a load of free time.
This year I went from selling my blood at a biomat to selling my soul to a capitalist. Souls pay out better.
I get mad at people for not being nice.
Death is imaginary, as is life, haha!
My advice to everyone reading this is buy $20 underwear. You may think, "Why would I need such luxury?" but after a frivolous purchase with my first paycheck, I now find myself feeling so sexy, more confident and just loving the whole wide world. Your privates deserve better; this is how to become a better person.
Are you allowed to live in Portland if you're not cute? Based on my past few experiences, I've been intimidated by everybody's body. I'm scared if I get a place there, a realtor will size me up and say those scary & final words, "NOT. CUTE. ENOUGH." Anyway, I know for a fact that you're not allowed to be over 33, so gotta go soon.
Opinions are like vomit. Stop vomiting all over me.
My name is Adam Bates; let me turn your boredom into sadness.
If I had a job I could buy nice clothes for interviews so I could get a job.
I want to do improv, so I could learn to be funny, so I could write good screenplays, so I could move to LA to work in TV, so I could meet my heroes, so I could find out they're human and mean and feel better about myself. I want to do improv to feel better about myself.
I just submitted as part of a job application that I can carry 75 pounds at least 100 feet, which would be the easiest thing in the world to disprove. Take a look at me, Adam the stick insect. My limbs are twigs.
I gave a Portland-bound man $12 for gas and he swore he would have given me a hug if he were wearing a shirt.
My mother uses Facebook more than I do.
Hey old people, don't just say "I remember when you were a wee lad." I HEARD IT BEFORE. ALL THE TALL JOKES. ALL OF THEM. Be here now. Say something like, "I knew you were the kind of baby to grow up and wear v-necks." It's specific, lets me know you know me, and is humorous, not just some 50-year old having a quiet existential crisis.
For those of you who only know me through my internet posts, you may think I'm just some hilarious, angsty white dude. But I'm also, like, two other things.
What did the father dice say to his children he hated?
We're all made of star dust. The fact that smart people already know this and aren't dancing in the streets is crazy.
Congratulations! Matter can be neither created nor destroyed, and you're made of it: you're immortal, bud!
Some day my complaints will change the world.
I keep forgetting Instagram isn't quite as good as being around people.
I went on WebMD and found out I have hypochondria.
I'm starting to think that pun was intended.
I wish we were all black people. That would solve a few problems.
Did my doctor just tell me I'm acutely asthmatic or was he hitting on me?
Wait, so is it too late for me to be a child prodigy?
I'm going to grow a beard. If you're a pretty woman, please avoid seeing me these next couple of months.
Do you guys ever wake up in the middle of the night and suddenly remember you have a website? Hahaha! Me too.
It's official. I have three back hairs. I'm a man now.
Time to do what I always do when I'm sick. Play video games and think about how much I deserve happiness.
All I want for Christmas is the nine things I put on my list.
Whenever I stare at a mirror, suddenly I become Narcissus. Remember me by the pile of flowers that will grow in my bathroom.
Bonjour. My name is Adam and my namesake is the guy who mythologically ruined humanity for everyone.
Back in 2005, I had no idea that my username for LITERALLY EVERYTHING would be the email I chose when I was ten. Now I'm forever stuck with email@example.com as what I use to log into Facebook, YouTube, Tumblr, Hulu, Blizzard, PSN, xBox Live and, oddly enough, even my bank account.
If I were in the olden days, I wouldn't own slaves. Not necessarily for moral reasons; my family was dirt poor back then.
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmitt stole my name, you guys.
I accidently ended up playing Devil's advocate to a contrarian today. Now I only listen to Justin Bieber and Taylor Swift and play Call of Duty.
Here's a trick to getting ladies: be a genuinely good person and stop trying to learn lady-getting tricks, ya creep!
I'm working on a screenplay for a baseball movie. It's called Umpire Strikes Back.
Can't spell father without fat. Also, can't spell mother without moth, so, you know, take it with a grain of salt.
I love negotiating with hotel showers between the molten lava and frozen river settings. I also love sarcasm.
Statistics are a great way to add fake validity to your dumb opinions.
Q u o t e: "If being sad is a choice, shut up and be happy, you pathetic crybaby." ~Eleanor Roosevelt
Q u o t e: "Haha, Adam tried to crack a joke and did it poorly. What a fool! Come! Let us laugh at him!" ~Public Enemy #1
Q u o t e: "Giving wisdom while angry is like trying to give someone an ice cream cone you've pooped on.”
I have a beard due to negligence.
Do any of you guys ever stop to wonder if we waste so much time documenting so we'll have a good past and worrying so we'll have a good future that we miss the fleeting beauty of the present? Yeah. Me neither; usually too busy documenting or worrying.
I swear, the past two days I've been knee-deep in music, and neck-deep in knee.
In my experience, being horrendously self-conscious, everyone knows just enough about fashion to be critical of the way I dress.
Q u o t e: "If I'm a butt-head, isn't the logical conclusion that my mouth is an anus?" ~Me, Stay Classy San Diego
Q u o t e: "Prostitution is no place for a lady.”
I'm opposed to the speed limit being 20 around elementary schools. Not that I'm against obeying the law, but why give pedophiles an excuse to slow down?
You know what really makes me smile? Endorphins.
Everyone's always judging me on the length of my pants.
If you're ever having a heart attack, run as fast as you can to the nearest hospital.
Everytime I needlessly turn my head because someone is too lazy to say 'add them' instead of 'add 'em', another hostage dies.
Bad Eyesight = Higher Intelligence
So apparently the salem witch trials didn't even happen in Salem, Oreg.
So, no offense, but women are kind of effeminate.
Q u o t e: "Riding a bike is like riding a bike. You never forget how to ride a bike.”
I dare you to have a conversation with your most vague contact on your phone.
(2016 add to premise: imagine if you stayed in regular contact with everyone on your phone.)
So I finally decided to bite and get a free Xbox from one of those flashvertisements on many a crappy website. While taking a survey and after being redirected at least three times, (each website sketchier than the last) I was told to do the same thing on twenty more websites. Long story short: I didn't get an Xbox and I 'safely removed hardware'. My computer tower is now made of wood and powered by gerbils.
Also, the only cookies I get are from my mom.
What do you get when you cross an english major with a holocaust studies major?
Adam Bates A grammar nazi.
Q u o t e: "You only yolo once.”
Q u o t e: "You can fool all of the people all of the time and you can fool none of the people none of the time but you can't fool medium people medium of the time.”
I was thinking about becoming a women's studies major because I love studying women.
I could stand to gain a few hundred pounds.
I am going to write a book. It will be called Autobiography. It will be an autobiography.
I killed a dragon today. What're you doing with your life?
I like how people say "I like how" before saying something really sarcastic.
Life's weird after realizing you're a floating head with things attached to keep it alive. Or do other people not have body disassociation?
I'm a very antisocial socialist.
Am I bad at giving eye contact because of that flu shot I got?
Looking forward to 2032 when I'm old enough to Kickstarter a presidential campaign.
It's Spring, which means it's time for a predatory wasp to make its octagonal home in the gas compartment of my car.
I want to be an extra in a diner scene where the FBI, cops &/or terrorists talk at normal volume about big plans, but in real life.
The fact that I used to be a baby & now I'm a full dude on Twitter. Amazing.
Only the bride should wear white at a wedding. And apparently all of every man.
Stop using your preconception of others' perceived perceptions to hate yourself & just hate yourself by yourself, honestly & fully.
"Adam, how often should you think about sex?" "I think about once every marriage."
Because I bought my Mac with my dead grandfather's trust money, do you think his soul is trapped in there?
I like Modest Mouse lyrics. In the same song Isaac Brock sings "what the heck?" "what the hell!" oh & also "happy fucking congratulations!!"
Always the towel in your bathroom self-photograph.
"Adam Bates comedy? More like Adam bombedy." ~Friends
Is it called Body Morphia when you see yourself as you are but still hate it?
That's right. I still get my iPhone in space grey when everyone made the change to white because I'm unique. And choosing between 4 options.
"Seeking a Junior System Administrator. You know, junior, as in young, underling work. MANDATORY SEVEN TO THIRTY-SEVEN YEARS EXPERIENCE.”
To anyone who's ever said aloud the phrase 'Nut meat': big ups.
I was hoping to stress-out & off the pounds, not stress-eat them on!
A scene from the biopic of my life where Harvey Keitel says "This doesn't add up. This guy's internet history is clean: TOO. CLEAN.”
"I don't want to date to make a man whole. I want the man to come whole. Come whole. Comewhole." ~Relationship Expert @SarahKSilverman
*editor’s note: somewhat mostly entirely fabricated quote
If you like hierarchy & authority, work for the military, not where I work.
I know every 3 years I look back and say 'boy I was really young and immature all those years ago' but at 21 I think I finally nailed it.
*editor's note: no no; for reals this time; 22 was the destination
I hope I stay relevant in my old age, still having a career, like Woody Allen or Bill Cosby or Boutros Boutros-Gali.
I want to meet an American who doesn't know Coca Cola tastes refreshing & that 15 minutes could save you 15% or more on car insurance.
My favorite superhero is Burning Man.
In Heaven no one can hear you scream.
I'm so unable to cry in front of my therapist lol.
Something I do that I will always treasure is get adult mad at video games for children. Nothing quite as good as 'Fuck you Mario.’
Simply cannot wait for Bernie Sanders & Hilary Clinton to announce their bid for president & vice president (respectively) by cohosting SNL.
Weirdly still single in the eyes of my doctor, federal government & father.
(1) Aubrey Plaza had a stroke. Paul Scheer beat the shit outta people. Jim Norton pees on everyone. Louis loves crying.
(2) The things you learn rolling up your sleeves & actually listening to WTF.
Everything happens for a reason, which is why an all-powerful God created a devil to dodge blame.
There's a weird frustrating thing listening to every comedian you respect or don't kneel at the altar of Cosby 3 years ago on WTF.
If I wanted to see my favorite comedians talking tickets for shows on the east coast instead of jokes on Twitter, I'd follow their manager.
I know it's lame coincidence prolly but two comedy albums I listened to in a row mentioned theremins & now my faith in God is renewed.
No wonder they call her Mother Earth & Father Time. Momma's the vagina our meat consciousnesses came out of. And Time's a dick.
A cute kid showed up at my work & now I'm hoping for a pregnancy scare.
Hey! Who spit on my mouth & pillow while I was asleep?
Do you think people in heaven watch earth people have sex? Like, they still have porn up there but it's realistic.
You'd be amazed the amount of living things that have butts.
Orthodontists do teeth surgery. Orthopedic shoes are good for your mouth. Ornithologists study how good shoes are for your mouth.
"Sixteen whole hours?! But that's like watching all three Hobbit movies twice or reading the one book four times!”
Ever see one of those headless womannequins around? Hubba hubba! I haven't been this scared and turned on since I watched any horror film!
Clock your favorite comedian. See how many times they can say "And this is true!" in an hour. You will be amazed!
Millennial is not a title I like. I was born before, not after, Y2K. Call us Gen Y. Makes it sound like I born as a test tube super soldier.
I used to not be open-minded until someone said something that made me change my mind.
I'm sick and tired of this talentless hack Steve Buscemi skating around on his good looks alone! Learn your craft, dipdick!
Your joke was telling me a false piece of information & I trusted you & thirty seconds later you say just kidding. What a great joke.
My Latino coworker just called a Mexican guy a beaner. #OnlyWhitesCanStopRacism
Until tonight I didn't realize you could just get drunk as an activity. This is dangerous information.
If life were a Choose-Your-Own Adventure book, I'd turn to where I'm curator of the Legend of Zelda in the Smithsonian's Nintendo section.
Behind every great man is a great woman. Wait, what!? Put her in front of you! Or in the least beside you! This guy doesn't sound so great.
I'm really good at delaying orgasm for myself to satisfy my lovers. Like really good. Like I almost never cum during sex. Like real flaccid.
The best part of rap is the lyric density & the tight rhythmic expression, so why does pop-hop repeat the six-word chorus twelve times?
Can we all just finally get it over with and call God 'Outer Space Dad’?
I'm really hitting it off with this lesbian; we have a lot in common, specifically one interest.
To all the fellas in the audience, be clever with your romance: offer your lady cunninglingus!
I want to do shrooms; I want to ask an illusory winged snake why I'm a bad writer.
Hey ya ass, don't flip through my phone. It's like holding 10 journals, 11 photo albums and enough dirt to bury me to the core of the earth.
I want to be a dad's dad with hairy arms and a torso made half of muscles and half of hamburgers.
At what point during sexual maturation does one stop being attracted to all women?
I self-taught myself how to masturbate over 5 years ago and haven't stopped since. So you could say I'm experienced. Never took a lesson.
The way Internet history wipes, incognito and private browsers tell you the drill, like "High five dude! Let's masturbate in the workplace!”
Oho ho ho! Foolish jock! You called me a pussy but all I heard is that I'm powerful, life-giving and life-sustaining & to be worshiped!
It's a shame my father's not on Twitter so I could block him.
The best part of being a narcissist is calling other people self-involved when they don't pay enough attention to you and your needs.
What's a civil suit? Is it what you wear to a court room?
You can tell a lot about a person from going through the unshredded credit card bills in their garbage.
Turns out my scheme was only half-cocked up my half-ass.
Such a weird word to spell. You have to be a pirate to remember. DiaRRRRRRhea.
I pride myself on how few penises I've seen.
I wouldn't so much call it a "burned bridge" as I would a "nuclear winter.”
A good name for a stoner chick is Jennifer, as in HallucinoJen.
Do cell phones still cause cancer? Has that been disproved, or have we just stopped caring in the face of ubiquity?
Look, if you haven't seen Breaking Bad at this point, I'm not going to say you're a bad person, but you definitely can't be a good person.
Swearing is my second favorite thing to do.
I'm not the goddam supporting actor in your fucking movie, but I am gonna win an academy award for my role.
There are no small parts, only small actors. In fact, they prefer to be called little people.
There are no small parts, only small actors with small penises.
I'm starting a religion where when you die if you're a pretty righteous dude, you get 2 & 1/2 dozen redheaded guys in tight pants. #LoveWins
If only we could all get with redheaded guys with tight pants.
Bar Mitzvah because men are alcoholics. Bat Mitzvah because women are vampires.
I don't mean to brag but I masturbated 4 times yesterday.
Brittney Spears just died of old age.
You know what they say about a big carbon footprint: big carbon penis.
It takes a good character actor to play a character that's bad at acting believably.
At an all-standing room concert, being tall is a super power.
It's called a self-help book so when you give it to someone else it's called being passive-aggressive. There are books to help with that.
A lot of homosexual men in theatre, why not a lot of lesbian thespians?
What is it about being young and inexperienced that makes old white men with mustaches flock to give me advice?
Half of what teenagers say are petty things about how they feel and the other half are promises to feel less petty.
I moved a dead cat off the road, prayed for it and soon after saw a coyote abscond with its body. Finally, something real to complain about.
It's weird that horror films my parents would never watch support their values of sex-negativity, anti-youth-culture and racism.
Applying to work everywhere has made me great at lying.
Have you ever noticed asking an audience if they noticed something is the most common joke set-up?
Thanks HD. Now anything broadcast before 2007 is unwatchable.
Is it called peer pressure when it's only one other person and he wants you to kiss him but he can't say it so you kiss him without words?
*2016 tag: can I, I mean, you, can you call it that?
At least I can be thankful because although I'm not Game of Thrones handsome, I'm not Game of Thrones ugly.
What's the PC term for a heterosexual man who likes butt stuff?
*2016 tag: to clarify… done to him.
If dolphins are so smart, why can't they speak English?
My stomach's still figuring shit out.
Nicolas Cage is a National Treasure.
It's official. As youths, we've made every #selfie joke imaginable; let's stop taking self-portraits and go back to candid shots of friends.
This movement of feminism, being sex-positive and giving self-love and real bodies makes me yell "You go girl" all while feeling like a pig.
If you didn't hear Weird Al's songs at ages 12-14, you missed your window of loving Weird Al.
My whole body is made of science!
I started the series knowing who the Yellow King is because time is a flat circle. That's my joke only relevant a year ago. #TrueDetective
*editor's note: two years now. geez.
Haha! Sucker homeless person! I gave you $5 but I received the most perfect gift of all: smug superiority to all my friends on Facebook.
Your personality really comes through those lyrics you copy and paste.
My first drink was a Sex on the Beach. Welcome and goodbye manhood.
Thumbs up to British people putting R's in random words.
Sex experts -- Sexperts -- Sex spurts
Pull out if it feels wrong. It's a good rule for wars, parking spaces and vaginas.
I don't know, it's like I'm a people-pleaser. I just really try to make people happy. It's all I do. I guess I'm a real dick.
Tumblr: the gift that keeps on gif’ing.
Homosexuals like homosex; Heterosexuals like heterosex. Metrosexuals like riding the Metro; trans ride trains and trams. Can't we get along?
My friend Theodore is starting a podcast where he dissects intellectual conferences. The first series is called "Ted Talks 'TED Talks’"
If your full name is Alexandria and you go by Alex, you're a fucking idiot.
I'm not a pair of pants in Soviet Russia. I'm not shitting you.
"If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all." I'm taking a vow of silence.
From what I understand about old people anatomy, your nose and ear hair grows longer? I personally long for the day I become gnome-like.
Rewatching old Breaking Bad because I love crying.
Did you know New Zealand is not part of the continent Australia, but part of semi-submerged continent Zealandia? Cause that's some bullshit.
The labia minora, that's the part of the vagina that celebrates Hanukkah, right?
I have so many good movie ideas about cool unemployed writers who can't catch a break.
Comedians should drink a bottle of water before they get on stage.
I have upwards of fifty passwords and about 46 of them are the exact same. Get at me hackers!
All I ask of my next-of-kin is to deify me after my death.
They make kids younger and younger these days. Have you seen the 2015 model? Unbelievable.
I was in a job interview & I described my experience with Amway. He said "Know what that is?" and drew a triangle; I asked "The Illuminati?”
He then replied "Pyramid scheme" so I thought but didn't say, "My answer was funnier." I didn't get the job. #hireme
An episode of The Office where Michael Scott talks to everyone but they're silent and just do camera takes for 22 minutes.
The good and bad news of being manic-depressive is you're never too far from enjoying cleaning everywhere or wearing a blanket as a hoodie.
How come you never hear good news about a drunk driver, like drunk driver volunteers at soup kitchen, drunk driver scores winning touchdown?
Yeah Dads. I look at your daughters. I look at all your daughters.
My phone just autocorrected apple to Apple. Because the company is more renowned than the fruit these days.
All I want for Christmas is for everyone to stop pretending to believe in God and spend the Sunday before with their family.
The only kind of trap I like involves a boobie. Those or claptraps.
Are you really Turkish or is that just some Istanbullshit?
I hate my father. I AM my father. I hate myself. I hate... my son.
In Dungeons and Dragons, black dragons are higher level than white ones. #Ferguson
Sometimes you have a soul-reaching chat with a barbress and other times you talk about Xmas shopping & feel like a mannequin with a wig.
How can a vampire be Diane Young?
Marilyn Monrobot. Miley Cyborg. Rob Lowecop.
Half of YouTube is attention-starved teens with dumb thumbnails and the other half is videos I want to watch but have Spanish subtitles.
I like Drunk History but I think I would like it even more if I were a historian, or a drunkard.
I'm only a dungeon journeyman :(
I feel like God's still mad at us for eating that apple.
I don't mean to cross-examine you, but do you believe in Jesus?
So many Craigslist ads for female models, 18+. How do I get in on the murder business?
Orphan is the New Black.
"I love you." "I love YouTube.”
Why don't you take your butt and shove it up your rear!!
I intellectually understand the urge to murder your children all the time, but spanking them? You don't hit adult people so why small kids?
Labia Majora's Mask #SexyVideoGames
I switch back and forth between extreme optimism and extreme pessimism. I guess that makes me an extremist.
LGBLT. Lesbian Gay Bacon Lettuce Tomato.
"What do you mean am I attracted to all women?" "Look, Brendan, when a bird is in love with a bee…"
Ronald Raygun. Bill Clintron.
How can I be "in the moment" when I'm too busy thinking about how little I am in the moment at the moment?
Most of the chemistry I know I learned from stoners.
"Under Pressure" is a good song to listen to in the gym or on the toilet.
People who delete old internet stuff strike me as dishonest. I still have a Myspace profile out there with my head photoshop'd onto a hunk.
At least I'm young and dumb so I have that excuse. What are you doing, sucky forty-year olds?
Guys, I finally found the source of what's wrong with me; I have self-diagnostic disorder!
Working for free is its own reward. #Internship
It's good to have friends over, if only to prove you live like a putrid monster and need to clean up.
I think I'm experiencing a late onset of sudden infant death syndrome.
I think I look good in the mirror am I gay?
From Behind the Twitter Timeline Wall
Oh Safari. I get it. 'Cause the internet's a jungle.
I'm gonna go live in India where it's not illegal to be poor.
I wish I swore like a fifty-year old instead of a teenager, a lot more damns and hells, less shits.
*editor's note: AND FUUUCKS!
Someone must have told this joke before: what's Congress' favorite film? Kill Bill.
Follow-up: what's Congress' second favorite film? Kill Bill 2.
All I want is the sexy charisma of Donald Draper. Heck. I'd even settle for Pete Campbell's.
I’m a sucker for “oh, we only spent 5 million dollars on this” indie films.
If I had a nickel for every time I prepped an apology for being late and the other person was later, I’d have a big useless pile of change.
Dolly is a good name for a llama.
In my old age I’m going to have stress lines in my forehead for being too expressive with my eyebrows.
Wait, men use Pinterest? Men can use Pinterest?
I may be uninformed about current politics, but I am brave enough to have an opinion.
Netflix desperately wants me to watch Jiro Dreams of Sushi.
*editor’s note: years later, still does.
Never compare two people together; one person usually comes off as a douche and usually it’s you, people-comparer.
Do homosexual men have girl crushes?
I wish I had a reverse alarm clock to set for when I wanted to fall asleep.
*editor’s note: reread Elements of Style; clunky.
When you love someone, let them go. But also sometimes if you love someone, don’t let them go.
I like my women the way I like my bees: africanized.
Calling someone judgmental is like hitting someone with a brick and telling them brick-hittery is wrong.
God bless all the veterans who fought, bled and died to get us this Monday off.
I hope the final episode of Breaking Bad is a fifty-minute music video set to Mr. White blowing everything up.
Mistaking Andrew Jackson with Andrew Johnson is like thinking peanut-butter and chocolate is the same as strawberry jelly and racism.
Flattery gets you nowhere; insults get you everywhere?
Why beat yourself up when you can beat up your friends?
It seems everyone I text respond once and then throws their phone into a lake. Bless ‘em for answering at all, I suppose.
Good God, help me narrow down this list. Tell me your favorites & which ones are dumb with a comment or a message. My comedy career depends on it!