adam bates, the best of.

Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Blogspot, Soundcloud, Bandcamp, MySpace have all taken up bits of my being, pieces of my persona, slices of my self. These are links to & quotes from myself throughout the ages, every internet joke I've ever made that I think is good enough to share again. Adam Bates: an idiot through the years, a reflection, a perspective; enjoy.

Facebook

April 8 at 6:24pm · 

Hey there lonely heart! Did you know you can kiss your own arm & hands & stuff? Call up your Mom & tell her you just found someone special! For your health.

February 3 at 11:02pm ·

Man I love video games. In unrelated news being unemployed sure does give me a load of free time.

December 15, 2015 ·

This year I went from selling my blood at a biomat to selling my soul to a capitalist. Souls pay out better.

December 7, 2015 · 

I get mad at people for not being nice.

September 21, 2015 · 

Death is imaginary, as is life, haha!

September 9, 2015 · 

My advice to everyone reading this is buy $20 underwear. You may think, "Why would I need such luxury?" but after a frivolous purchase with my first paycheck, I now find myself feeling so sexy, more confident and just loving the whole wide world. Your privates deserve better; this is how to become a better person.

June 1, 2015 · 

Are you allowed to live in Portland if you're not cute? Based on my past few experiences, I've been intimidated by everybody's body. I'm scared if I get a place there, a realtor will size me up and say those scary & final words, "NOT. CUTE. ENOUGH." Anyway, I know for a fact that you're not allowed to be over 33, so gotta go soon.

May 24, 2015 · 

Opinions are like vomit. Stop vomiting all over me.

May 17, 2015 · 

My name is Adam Bates; let me turn your boredom into sadness.

February 2, 2015 · 

If I had a job I could buy nice clothes for interviews so I could get a job.

November 18, 2014 · 

I want to do improv, so I could learn to be funny, so I could write good screenplays, so I could move to LA to work in TV, so I could meet my heroes, so I could find out they're human and mean and feel better about myself. I want to do improv to feel better about myself.

October 16, 2014 · 

I just submitted as part of a job application that I can carry 75 pounds at least 100 feet, which would be the easiest thing in the world to disprove. Take a look at me, Adam the stick insect. My limbs are twigs.

September 7, 2014 · 

I gave a Portland-bound man $12 for gas and he swore he would have given me a hug if he were wearing a shirt.

August 17, 2014 · 

My mother uses Facebook more than I do.

July 24, 2014 · 

Hey old people, don't just say "I remember when you were a wee lad." I HEARD IT BEFORE. ALL THE TALL JOKES. ALL OF THEM. Be here now. Say something like, "I knew you were the kind of baby to grow up and wear v-necks." It's specific, lets me know you know me, and is humorous, not just some 50-year old having a quiet existential crisis.

July 18, 2014 · 

For those of you who only know me through my internet posts, you may think I'm just some hilarious, angsty white dude. But I'm also, like, two other things.

June 27, 2014 · 

What did the father dice say to his children he hated?

Die.

June 16, 2014 · 

We're all made of star dust. The fact that smart people already know this and aren't dancing in the streets is crazy.

June 5, 2014 · 

Congratulations! Matter can be neither created nor destroyed, and you're made of it: you're immortal, bud!

June 4, 2014 · 

Some day my complaints will change the world.

June 2, 2014 · 

I keep forgetting Instagram isn't quite as good as being around people.

May 20, 2014 · 

I went on WebMD and found out I have hypochondria.

May 18, 2014 · 

I'm starting to think that pun was intended.

April 21, 2014 · 

I wish we were all black people. That would solve a few problems.

March 26, 2014 · 

Did my doctor just tell me I'm acutely asthmatic or was he hitting on me?

February 3, 2014 · 

Wait, so is it too late for me to be a child prodigy?

January 27, 2014 · 

I'm going to grow a beard. If you're a pretty woman, please avoid seeing me these next couple of months.

January 25, 2014 · 

Do you guys ever wake up in the middle of the night and suddenly remember you have a website? Hahaha! Me too.

January 21, 2014 · 

It's official. I have three back hairs. I'm a man now.

January 3, 2014 · 

Time to do what I always do when I'm sick. Play video games and think about how much I deserve happiness.

December 24, 2013 · 

All I want for Christmas is the nine things I put on my list.

December 4, 2013 · 

Whenever I stare at a mirror, suddenly I become Narcissus. Remember me by the pile of flowers that will grow in my bathroom.

December 3, 2013 · 

Bonjour. My name is Adam and my namesake is the guy who mythologically ruined humanity for everyone.

November 30, 2013 · 

Back in 2005, I had no idea that my username for LITERALLY EVERYTHING would be the email I chose when I was ten. Now I'm forever stuck with sexycats69@yahoo.com as what I use to log into Facebook, YouTube, Tumblr, Hulu, Blizzard, PSN, xBox Live and, oddly enough, even my bank account.

October 11, 2013 · 

If I were in the olden days, I wouldn't own slaves. Not necessarily for moral reasons; my family was dirt poor back then.

August 30, 2013 · 

John Jacob Jingleheimerschmitt stole my name, you guys.

August 27, 2013 · 

I accidently ended up playing Devil's advocate to a contrarian today. Now I only listen to Justin Bieber and Taylor Swift and play Call of Duty.

August 16, 2013 · 

Here's a trick to getting ladies: be a genuinely good person and stop trying to learn lady-getting tricks, ya creep!

August 15, 2013 · 

I'm working on a screenplay for a baseball movie. It's called Umpire Strikes Back.

August 4, 2013 · 

Can't spell father without fat. Also, can't spell mother without moth, so, you know, take it with a grain of salt.

June 9, 2013 · 

I love negotiating with hotel showers between the molten lava and frozen river settings. I also love sarcasm.

May 15, 2013 · 

Statistics are a great way to add fake validity to your dumb opinions.

April 7, 2013 · 

Q u o t e: "If being sad is a choice, shut up and be happy, you pathetic crybaby." ~Eleanor Roosevelt

April 4, 2013 · 

Q u o t e: "Haha, Adam tried to crack a joke and did it poorly. What a fool! Come! Let us laugh at him!" ~Public Enemy #1

March 21, 2013 · 

Q u o t e: "Giving wisdom while angry is like trying to give someone an ice cream cone you've pooped on.”

February 18, 2013 · 

I have a beard due to negligence.

January 24, 2013 · 

Do any of you guys ever stop to wonder if we waste so much time documenting so we'll have a good past and worrying so we'll have a good future that we miss the fleeting beauty of the present? Yeah. Me neither; usually too busy documenting or worrying.

January 6, 2013 · 

I swear, the past two days I've been knee-deep in music, and neck-deep in knee.

January 3, 2013 · 

In my experience, being horrendously self-conscious, everyone knows just enough about fashion to be critical of the way I dress.

December 18, 2012 · 

Q u o t e: "If I'm a butt-head, isn't the logical conclusion that my mouth is an anus?" ~Me, Stay Classy San Diego

December 12, 2012 · 

Q u o t e: "Prostitution is no place for a lady.”

December 11, 2012 · 

I'm opposed to the speed limit being 20 around elementary schools. Not that I'm against obeying the law, but why give pedophiles an excuse to slow down?

December 2, 2012 · 

You know what really makes me smile? Endorphins.

November 16, 2012 · 

Everyone's always judging me on the length of my pants.

November 7, 2012 · 

If you're ever having a heart attack, run as fast as you can to the nearest hospital.

October 23, 2012 · 

Everytime I needlessly turn my head because someone is too lazy to say 'add them' instead of 'add 'em', another hostage dies.

October 22, 2012 · 

Bad Eyesight = Higher Intelligence

October 18, 2012 · 

So apparently the salem witch trials didn't even happen in Salem, Oreg.

October 14, 2012 · 

So, no offense, but women are kind of effeminate.

October 11, 2012 · 

Q u o t e: "Riding a bike is like riding a bike. You never forget how to ride a bike.”

September 23, 2012 · 

I dare you to have a conversation with your most vague contact on your phone.

(2016 add to premise: imagine if you stayed in regular contact with everyone on your phone.)

September 12, 2012 · 

So I finally decided to bite and get a free Xbox from one of those flashvertisements on many a crappy website. While taking a survey and after being redirected at least three times, (each website sketchier than the last) I was told to do the same thing on twenty more websites. Long story short: I didn't get an Xbox and I 'safely removed hardware'. My computer tower is now made of wood and powered by gerbils.

Also, the only cookies I get are from my mom.

September 12, 2012 at 10:48am

September 4, 2012 · 

What do you get when you cross an english major with a holocaust studies major?

Adam Bates A grammar nazi.

September 1, 2012 · 

Q u o t e: "You only yolo once.”

June 6, 2012 · 

Q u o t e: "You can fool all of the people all of the time and you can fool none of the people none of the time but you can't fool medium people medium of the time.”

June 4, 2012 · 

I was thinking about becoming a women's studies major because I love studying women.

May 27, 2012 · 

I could stand to gain a few hundred pounds.

December 15, 2011 · 

I am going to write a book. It will be called Autobiography. It will be an autobiography.

November 17, 2011 · 

I killed a dragon today. What're you doing with your life?

November 16, 2011 · 

I like how people say "I like how" before saying something really sarcastic.

Twitter

Apr 6

Life's weird after realizing you're a floating head with things attached to keep it alive. Or do other people not have body disassociation?

Apr 4

I'm a very antisocial socialist.

Apr 2

Am I bad at giving eye contact because of that flu shot I got?

Apr 1

Looking forward to 2032 when I'm old enough to Kickstarter a presidential campaign.

Mar 30

It's Spring, which means it's time for a predatory wasp to make its octagonal home in the gas compartment of my car.

Mar 29

I want to be an extra in a diner scene where the FBI, cops &/or terrorists talk at normal volume about big plans, but in real life.

Mar 22

The fact that I used to be a baby & now I'm a full dude on Twitter. Amazing.

Mar 18

Only the bride should wear white at a wedding. And apparently all of every man.

Mar 16

Stop using your preconception of others' perceived perceptions to hate yourself & just hate yourself by yourself, honestly & fully.

Mar 15

"Adam, how often should you think about sex?" "I think about once every marriage."

Mar 14

Because I bought my Mac with my dead grandfather's trust money, do you think his soul is trapped in there?

Mar 13

I like Modest Mouse lyrics. In the same song Isaac Brock sings "what the heck?" "what the hell!" oh & also "happy fucking congratulations!!"

Mar 12

Always the towel in your bathroom self-photograph.

Mar 11

"Adam Bates comedy? More like Adam bombedy." ~Friends

Mar 10

Is it called Body Morphia when you see yourself as you are but still hate it?

Feb 17

That's right. I still get my iPhone in space grey when everyone made the change to white because I'm unique. And choosing between 4 options.

Feb 16

"Seeking a Junior System Administrator. You know, junior, as in young, underling work. MANDATORY SEVEN TO THIRTY-SEVEN YEARS EXPERIENCE.”

Feb 10

To anyone who's ever said aloud the phrase 'Nut meat': big ups.

Feb 9

I was hoping to stress-out & off the pounds, not stress-eat them on!

Feb 8

A scene from the biopic of my life where Harvey Keitel says "This doesn't add up. This guy's internet history is clean: TOO. CLEAN.”

Feb 7

"I don't want to date to make a man whole. I want the man to come whole. Come whole. Comewhole." ~Relationship Expert @SarahKSilverman

*editor’s note: somewhat mostly entirely fabricated quote

Jan 27

If you like hierarchy & authority, work for the military, not where I work.

Jan 20

I know every 3 years I look back and say 'boy I was really young and immature all those years ago' but at 21 I think I finally nailed it.

*editor's note: no no; for reals this time; 22 was the destination

Jan 19

I hope I stay relevant in my old age, still having a career, like Woody Allen or Bill Cosby or Boutros Boutros-Gali.

Jan 19

I want to meet an American who doesn't know Coca Cola tastes refreshing & that 15 minutes could save you 15% or more on car insurance.

Jan 15

My favorite superhero is Burning Man.

Jan 7

In Heaven no one can hear you scream.

Jan 6

I'm so unable to cry in front of my therapist lol.

Jan 2

Something I do that I will always treasure is get adult mad at video games for children. Nothing quite as good as 'Fuck you Mario.’

30 Dec 2015

Simply cannot wait for Bernie Sanders & Hilary Clinton to announce their bid for president & vice president (respectively) by cohosting SNL.

23 Dec 2015

Weirdly still single in the eyes of my doctor, federal government & father.

27 Nov 2015

(1) Aubrey Plaza had a stroke. Paul Scheer beat the shit outta people. Jim Norton pees on everyone. Louis loves crying.

(2) The things you learn rolling up your sleeves & actually listening to WTF.

18 Nov 2015

Everything happens for a reason, which is why an all-powerful God created a devil to dodge blame.

18 Nov 2015

There's a weird frustrating thing listening to every comedian you respect or don't kneel at the altar of Cosby 3 years ago on WTF.

16 Nov 2015

If I wanted to see my favorite comedians talking tickets for shows on the east coast instead of jokes on Twitter, I'd follow their manager.

13 Nov 2015

I know it's lame coincidence prolly but two comedy albums I listened to in a row mentioned theremins & now my faith in God is renewed.

11 Nov 2015

No wonder they call her Mother Earth & Father Time. Momma's the vagina our meat consciousnesses came out of. And Time's a dick.

7 Nov 2015

A cute kid showed up at my work & now I'm hoping for a pregnancy scare.

28 Oct 2015

Hey! Who spit on my mouth & pillow while I was asleep?

22 Oct 2015

Do you think people in heaven watch earth people have sex? Like, they still have porn up there but it's realistic.

17 Oct 2015

You'd be amazed the amount of living things that have butts.

9 Oct 2015

Orthodontists do teeth surgery. Orthopedic shoes are good for your mouth. Ornithologists study how good shoes are for your mouth.

6 Oct 2015

"Sixteen whole hours?! But that's like watching all three Hobbit movies twice or reading the one book four times!”

6 Oct 2015

Ever see one of those headless womannequins around? Hubba hubba! I haven't been this scared and turned on since I watched any horror film!

28 Sep 2015

Clock your favorite comedian. See how many times they can say "And this is true!" in an hour. You will be amazed!

28 Sep 2015

Millennial is not a title I like. I was born before, not after, Y2K. Call us Gen Y. Makes it sound like I born as a test tube super soldier.

25 Sep 2015

I used to not be open-minded until someone said something that made me change my mind.

21 Sep 2015

I'm sick and tired of this talentless hack Steve Buscemi skating around on his good looks alone! Learn your craft, dipdick!

9 Sep 2015

Your joke was telling me a false piece of information & I trusted you & thirty seconds later you say just kidding. What a great joke.

8 Sep 2015

My Latino coworker just called a Mexican guy a beaner. #OnlyWhitesCanStopRacism

6 Sep 2015

Until tonight I didn't realize you could just get drunk as an activity. This is dangerous information.

25 Aug 2015

If life were a Choose-Your-Own Adventure book, I'd turn to where I'm curator of the Legend of Zelda in the Smithsonian's Nintendo section.

21 Aug 2015

This joke scares me; do trans men who present as women have higher life expectancy & lower insurance rates? #CancelAdamBates #CancelTwitter

19 Aug 2015

Behind every great man is a great woman. Wait, what!? Put her in front of you! Or in the least beside you! This guy doesn't sound so great.

17 Aug 2015

I'm really good at delaying orgasm for myself to satisfy my lovers. Like really good. Like I almost never cum during sex. Like real flaccid.

15 Aug 2015

The best part of rap is the lyric density & the tight rhythmic expression, so why does pop-hop repeat the six-word chorus twelve times?

15 Aug 2015

Can we all just finally get it over with and call God 'Outer Space Dad’?

8 Aug 2015

I'm really hitting it off with this lesbian; we have a lot in common, specifically one interest.

 5 Aug 2015

To all the fellas in the audience, be clever with your romance: offer your lady cunninglingus!

30 Jul 2015

I want to do shrooms; I want to ask an illusory winged snake why I'm a bad writer.

23 Jul 2015

Hey ya ass, don't flip through my phone. It's like holding 10 journals, 11 photo albums and enough dirt to bury me to the core of the earth.

21 Jul 2015

I want to be a dad's dad with hairy arms and a torso made half of muscles and half of hamburgers.

21 Jul 2015

At what point during sexual maturation does one stop being attracted to all women?

20 Jul 2015

I self-taught myself how to masturbate over 5 years ago and haven't stopped since. So you could say I'm experienced. Never took a lesson.

17 Jul 2015

The way Internet history wipes, incognito and private browsers tell you the drill, like "High five dude! Let's masturbate in the workplace!”

16 Jul 2015

Oho ho ho! Foolish jock! You called me a pussy but all I heard is that I'm powerful, life-giving and life-sustaining & to be worshiped!

15 Jul 2015

It's a shame my father's not on Twitter so I could block him.

12 Jul 2015

The best part of being a narcissist is calling other people self-involved when they don't pay enough attention to you and your needs.

12 Jul 2015

What's a civil suit? Is it what you wear to a court room?

10 Jul 2015

You can tell a lot about a person from going through the unshredded credit card bills in their garbage.

8 Jul 2015

Turns out my scheme was only half-cocked up my half-ass.

7 Jul 2015

Such a weird word to spell. You have to be a pirate to remember. DiaRRRRRRhea.

6 Jul 2015

I pride myself on how few penises I've seen.

2 Jul 2015

I wouldn't so much call it a "burned bridge" as I would a "nuclear winter.”

1 Jul 2015

A good name for a stoner chick is Jennifer, as in HallucinoJen.

30 Jun 2015

Do cell phones still cause cancer? Has that been disproved, or have we just stopped caring in the face of ubiquity?

29 Jun 2015

Look, if you haven't seen Breaking Bad at this point, I'm not going to say you're a bad person, but you definitely can't be a good person.

29 Jun 2015

Swearing is my second favorite thing to do.

29 Jun 2015

I'm not the goddam supporting actor in your fucking movie, but I am gonna win an academy award for my role.

27 Jun 2015

There are no small parts, only small actors. In fact, they prefer to be called little people.

27 Jun 2015

There are no small parts, only small actors with small penises.

26 Jun 2015

I'm starting a religion where when you die if you're a pretty righteous dude, you get 2 & 1/2 dozen redheaded guys in tight pants. #LoveWins

26 Jun 2015

If only we could all get with redheaded guys with tight pants.

25 Jun 2015

Bar Mitzvah because men are alcoholics. Bat Mitzvah because women are vampires.

24 Jun 2015

I don't mean to brag but I masturbated 4 times yesterday.

22 Jun 2015

Brittney Spears just died of old age.

21 Jun 2015

You know what they say about a big carbon footprint: big carbon penis.

25 May 2015

It takes a good character actor to play a character that's bad at acting believably.

23 May 2015

At an all-standing room concert, being tall is a super power.

22 May 2015

It's called a self-help book so when you give it to someone else it's called being passive-aggressive. There are books to help with that.

20 May 2015

A lot of homosexual men in theatre, why not a lot of lesbian thespians?

18 May 2015

What is it about being young and inexperienced that makes old white men with mustaches flock to give me advice?

18 May 2015

Half of what teenagers say are petty things about how they feel and the other half are promises to feel less petty.

17 May 2015

I moved a dead cat off the road, prayed for it and soon after saw a coyote abscond with its body. Finally, something real to complain about.

14 May 2015

It's weird that horror films my parents would never watch support their values of sex-negativity, anti-youth-culture and racism.

14 May 2015

Applying to work everywhere has made me great at lying.

13 May 2015

Have you ever noticed asking an audience if they noticed something is the most common joke set-up?

6 May 2015

Thanks HD. Now anything broadcast before 2007 is unwatchable.

5 May 2015

Is it called peer pressure when it's only one other person and he wants you to kiss him but he can't say it so you kiss him without words?

*2016 tag: can I, I mean, you, can you call it that?

5 May 2015

At least I can be thankful because although I'm not Game of Thrones handsome, I'm not Game of Thrones ugly.

1 May 2015

What's the PC term for a heterosexual man who likes butt stuff?

*2016 tag: to clarify… done to him.

1 May 2015

If dolphins are so smart, why can't they speak English?

28 Apr 2015

My stomach's still figuring shit out.

27 Apr 2015

Nicolas Cage is a National Treasure.

26 Apr 2015

It's official. As youths, we've made every #selfie joke imaginable; let's stop taking self-portraits and go back to candid shots of friends.

25 Apr 2015

This movement of feminism, being sex-positive and giving self-love and real bodies makes me yell "You go girl" all while feeling like a pig.

13 Apr 2015

If you didn't hear Weird Al's songs at ages 12-14, you missed your window of loving Weird Al.

11 Apr 2015

My whole body is made of science!

 9 Apr 2015

I started the series knowing who the Yellow King is because time is a flat circle. That's my joke only relevant a year ago. #TrueDetective

*editor's note: two years now. geez.

6 Apr 2015

Haha! Sucker homeless person! I gave you $5 but I received the most perfect gift of all: smug superiority to all my friends on Facebook.

4 Apr 2015

Your personality really comes through those lyrics you copy and paste.

3 Apr 2015

My first drink was a Sex on the Beach. Welcome and goodbye manhood.

3 Apr 2015

Thumbs up to British people putting R's in random words.

22 Mar 2015

Sex experts -- Sexperts -- Sex spurts

22 Mar 2015

Pull out if it feels wrong. It's a good rule for wars, parking spaces and vaginas.

21 Mar 2015

I don't know, it's like I'm a people-pleaser. I just really try to make people happy. It's all I do. I guess I'm a real dick.

18 Mar 2015

Tumblr: the gift that keeps on gif’ing.

13 Mar 2015

Homosexuals like homosex; Heterosexuals like heterosex. Metrosexuals like riding the Metro; trans ride trains and trams. Can't we get along?

16 Feb 2015

My friend Theodore is starting a podcast where he dissects intellectual conferences. The first series is called "Ted Talks 'TED Talks’"

15 Feb 2015

If your full name is Alexandria and you go by Alex, you're a fucking idiot.

15 Feb 2015

I'm not a pair of pants in Soviet Russia. I'm not shitting you.

13 Feb 2015

"If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all." I'm taking a vow of silence.

10 Feb 2015

From what I understand about old people anatomy, your nose and ear hair grows longer? I personally long for the day I become gnome-like.

2 Feb 2015

Rewatching old Breaking Bad because I love crying.

2 Feb 2015

Did you know New Zealand is not part of the continent Australia, but part of semi-submerged continent Zealandia? Cause that's some bullshit.

2 Feb 2015

The labia minora, that's the part of the vagina that celebrates Hanukkah, right?

31 Jan 2015

I have so many good movie ideas about cool unemployed writers who can't catch a break.

27 Jan 2015

Comedians should drink a bottle of water before they get on stage.

26 Jan 2015

I have upwards of fifty passwords and about 46 of them are the exact same. Get at me hackers!

23 Jan 2015

All I ask of my next-of-kin is to deify me after my death.

21 Jan 2015

They make kids younger and younger these days. Have you seen the 2015 model? Unbelievable.

9 Jan 2015

I was in a job interview & I described my experience with Amway. He said "Know what that is?" and drew a triangle; I asked "The Illuminati?”

9 Jan 2015

He then replied "Pyramid scheme" so I thought but didn't say, "My answer was funnier." I didn't get the job. #hireme

4 Jan 2015

An episode of The Office where Michael Scott talks to everyone but they're silent and just do camera takes for 22 minutes.

 1 Jan 2015

The good and bad news of being manic-depressive is you're never too far from enjoying cleaning everywhere or wearing a blanket as a hoodie.

28 Dec 2014

How come you never hear good news about a drunk driver, like drunk driver volunteers at soup kitchen, drunk driver scores winning touchdown?

15 Dec 2014

Yeah Dads. I look at your daughters. I look at all your daughters.

14 Dec 2014

My phone just autocorrected apple to Apple. Because the company is more renowned than the fruit these days.

13 Dec 2014

All I want for Christmas is for everyone to stop pretending to believe in God and spend the Sunday before with their family.

12 Dec 2014

The only kind of trap I like involves a boobie. Those or claptraps.

12 Dec 2014

Are you really Turkish or is that just some Istanbullshit?

11 Dec 2014

I hate my father. I AM my father. I hate myself. I hate... my son.

10 Dec 2014

In Dungeons and Dragons, black dragons are higher level than white ones. #Ferguson

9 Dec 2014

Sometimes you have a soul-reaching chat with a barbress and other times you talk about Xmas shopping & feel like a mannequin with a wig.

9 Dec 2014

How can a vampire be Diane Young?

9 Dec 2014

Marilyn Monrobot. Miley Cyborg. Rob Lowecop.

8 Dec 2014

Half of YouTube is attention-starved teens with dumb thumbnails and the other half is videos I want to watch but have Spanish subtitles.

6 Dec 2014

I like Drunk History but I think I would like it even more if I were a historian, or a drunkard.

5 Dec 2014

I'm only a dungeon journeyman :(

23 Nov 2014

I feel like God's still mad at us for eating that apple.

23 Nov 2014

I don't mean to cross-examine you, but do you believe in Jesus?

22 Nov 2014

So many Craigslist ads for female models, 18+. How do I get in on the murder business?

22 Nov 2014

Orphan is the New Black.

18 Nov 2014

"I love you." "I love YouTube.”

7 Nov 2014

Why don't you take your butt and shove it up your rear!!

5 Nov 2014

I intellectually understand the urge to murder your children all the time, but spanking them? You don't hit adult people so why small kids?

2 Nov 2014

Labia Majora's Mask #SexyVideoGames

30 Oct 2014

I switch back and forth between extreme optimism and extreme pessimism. I guess that makes me an extremist.

28 Oct 2014

LGBLT. Lesbian Gay Bacon Lettuce Tomato.

22 Oct 2014

"What do you mean am I attracted to all women?" "Look, Brendan, when a bird is in love with a bee…"

14 Oct 2014

Ronald Raygun. Bill Clintron.

14 Oct 2014

How can I be "in the moment" when I'm too busy thinking about how little I am in the moment at the moment?

13 Oct 2014

Most of the chemistry I know I learned from stoners.

9 Oct 2014

"Under Pressure" is a good song to listen to in the gym or on the toilet.

7 Oct 2014

People who delete old internet stuff strike me as dishonest. I still have a Myspace profile out there with my head photoshop'd onto a hunk.

7 Oct 2014

At least I'm young and dumb so I have that excuse. What are you doing, sucky forty-year olds?

6 Oct 2014

Guys, I finally found the source of what's wrong with me; I have self-diagnostic disorder!

23 Sep 2014

Working for free is its own reward. #Internship

20 Sep 2014

It's good to have friends over, if only to prove you live like a putrid monster and need to clean up.

18 Sep 2014

I think I'm experiencing a late onset of sudden infant death syndrome.

17 Sep 2014

I think I look good in the mirror am I gay?

From Behind the Twitter Timeline Wall

Oh Safari. I get it. 'Cause the internet's a jungle.

I'm gonna go live in India where it's not illegal to be poor.

I wish I swore like a fifty-year old instead of a teenager, a lot more damns and hells, less shits.

*editor's note: AND FUUUCKS!

Someone must have told this joke before: what's Congress' favorite film? Kill Bill.

Follow-up: what's Congress' second favorite film? Kill Bill 2.

All I want is the sexy charisma of Donald Draper. Heck. I'd even settle for Pete Campbell's.

11:26am - 26 Jul 14

I’m a sucker for “oh, we only spent 5 million dollars on this” indie films.

If I had a nickel for every time I prepped an apology for being late and the other person was later, I’d have a big useless pile of change.

Dolly is a good name for a llama.

In my old age I’m going to have stress lines in my forehead for being too expressive with my eyebrows.

Wait, men use Pinterest? Men can use Pinterest?

I may be uninformed about current politics, but I am brave enough to have an opinion.

Netflix desperately wants me to watch Jiro Dreams of Sushi.

*editor’s note: years later, still does.

Never compare two people together; one person usually comes off as a douche and usually it’s you, people-comparer.

Do homosexual men have girl crushes?

I wish I had a reverse alarm clock to set for when I wanted to fall asleep.

*editor’s note: reread Elements of Style; clunky.

When you love someone, let them go. But also sometimes if you love someone, don’t let them go.

I like my women the way I like my bees: africanized.

Calling someone judgmental is like hitting someone with a brick and telling them brick-hittery is wrong.

God bless all the veterans who fought, bled and died to get us this Monday off.

I hope the final episode of Breaking Bad is a fifty-minute music video set to Mr. White blowing everything up.

Mistaking Andrew Jackson with Andrew Johnson is like thinking peanut-butter and chocolate is the same as strawberry jelly and racism.

Flattery gets you nowhere; insults get you everywhere?

Why beat yourself up when you can beat up your friends?

It seems everyone I text respond once and then throws their phone into a lake. Bless ‘em for answering at all, I suppose.

Good God, help me narrow down this list. Tell me your favorites & which ones are dumb with a comment or a message. My comedy career depends on it!