I'm a virgin. Not to say I know nothing, but only from secondhand sources, talking to sexy friends, eavesdropping on kids at playgrounds, looking at a bunch of graphs of what I recently discovered, blanking on the name... Oh! Graphs of porno. Nailed it. Not sure if I'm on the bleeding edge of tech, but have you heard about this Internet & seen how many both still and moving images there are of sex-people? Hot dog! Near infinite! If the billion dollar industry stopped today, we'd still have enough thousands of thousands of vids & slideshows of even the most specific fetish to keep us all on the naked & sweaty edge of our seats for millennia to come. Our children's children would get along fine. The coolest part, and arguably the worst part of Internet sex-people and their availability on your desktop computer or on the go with mobile apps on your phone or laptop; try *PornHub today!

The simultaneously good and bad detachment of today, it's now that we as primates have to take a step even further back from sex meaning procreation. Not only did our bonobo pals give us orgies and **masturbation, acts of self-pleasure and interactive-pleasure to pass a slow Sunday, but with it, problem-solving using our bodies, solving a gang dispute where a chimp would rip another's testicles off and swallow them without chewing, a bonobo might gently stroke the prostate to make the other bonobo's orgasm all the better. So, masturbation is certainly devoid of baby-making, but especially so with Internet and all its worldly ways; a person of the opposite or same or transgender or gender-less human being doesn't even have to be in the room anymore. The only way we could be stranger mammals is with the eventual and inevitable advent of sex-bots, replacing good hard-working American pornographers & stars in factories all across this great nation.

To quote your Playboy-wielding grandfather, just an everyday Joe the Plumber-type, who either spent too much or too little time complaining about Vietnam, and would look at your filthy, sinful and perverse lifestyle and say, "WHAT? Why are there even babies anymore? Sex isn't even a thing you have to be in love to do? And webcam gals never say stop that, you gross older-but-still-got-it man? Why does anyone leave the house to be with another person?" Very articulate for a non-functional alcoholic, your grandpa. To answer his many questions, sex can just be a biological need, like it always has. Religiously, clergy & righteous-minded will at least try to abstain, but rarely without great, great effort, putting themselves & all that powerful energy into God's (or historically, gods') work. And many do not have such a simple & materialistic & hedonistic view of sex; that's not to disparage those who do; we all like candy bars now and then, but as your dentist, I must say you should probably cut down; also start flossing at least once per day, not once per week or month. You have gingivitis. Wow. What an interesting dentist character! He's certainly going to recur in a to-be-written teleplay on oral things. What was I saying before tangential...? !!! Yes. I remember.

So to answer your foxy-dad's-dad's original questions, people no longer have to be in a relationship immediately out of a nuclear family or college anymore, and moreover people have ten thousand ways to not have kids. Why are there still so many unplanned kids rolling around in the mud then, I hear you telepathically ask? Active suppression of feminism, religious rights overruling humanity, contraceptives being poorly used or Sex Ed. being taught by garbage-people who chose, WHO CHOSE, to get a job telling kids to run faster while their dumbasses elongate. THOUGH ANYONE WHO HAS A KID BEFORE THE AGE OF 20 IS STILL AN EXCUSE-LESS IDIOT. Why not have abortions, all of them, especially the poor black teens? WOAH! JESUS CHRISTMAS! I guess that's not surprising given your age, but civilized people try not to generalize someone's characteristics based on race & abortions are still controversial & the blurring of child rights and women's rights is absolute chaos according to one ex-Protestant current-trying-hard-Agnostic but also not his battle to fight so, he'll keep out until the morality makes itself clear either way or enough feminists or zygotes yell at him online, I'm sure. I'm sure your braying will definitely make a positive difference in his view of the often-cool, humorous group known as feminists plagued with these fucking outliers who want to make jokes illegal. Where was I? What's this about? Oh, it's titled sexuality.

So if we aren't having sex for kids, and it's so easy to have premarital sex, and even easier to diddle one's taint while looking at, why does anyone get married, I imagine your racist, classist, sexist progenitor wondering right about... Now! Funny you should ask the question I was about to answer, I sing to him, tenderly. Religion, culture, to please their parents, guilt about "taking it too far", either as an overreaction to a divorce or a parents' unhappy marriage, and possibly even healthy reasons, like love, partnership, to raise a family of their own (keeping our species going is a noble goal & overpopulation is a made-up problem invented in late 1700s - early 1800s by a guy who said, during the fucking French Revolution by the way, that NOT ENOUGH WAR IS KILLING NOT ENOUGH PEOPLE, so that's whose side you're on, his and the morally-dubious Chinese government when you zap a baby brain because you don't want to bring a child past third trimester and give it up for adoption when Americans are literally importing kids from other countries, taking high-paying jobs away from good non-aborted American factory adoption kids; sorry to any abortionists in the audience, but I've seen the factory farm style pictures of what you're doing and you can't be possibly good, sane saints, you all; again, it's a woman's right to choose, and men should sit the fuck down. Back to the shooooow!!) desiring to profess their love in the presence of their friends, to vow before God and family to devote their lives to each other. Beautiful, at least according to one expert on the field who could go either way on marriage, like a lot of things, because he may or may not have taken a test where he found himself surprisingly middle on the Kinsey Scale and came to the conclusion he could be a bisexual given the right guy with the right set of abs.

Sex is a beautiful, in one-sense a now-non-consequential condom-covered thing, but on the other hand, so consequential; it's the reason for any sentience on this accursed blue-green rock. It's the most (debatably) spiritual-fulfilling, emotionally-satisfying, physically-exhilarating, psychologically-bonding (see: monogamy chemical; and, duh, sexually-gratifying thing any couple or large group or young-adult distantly-related cousins can do, with consent of course. Make it

CONSENSUAL. *Jon Benjamin finger-point to camera*

Now then, not that you're any less of a monster, but at least now I've given you the words and the power to accurately describe why you want to get out of the marriage with Glenda. Yeah, sorry reader, but it's a brand new world, and instead of pneumatic tubes and overly-drawn out descriptions of insemination, your parents' parents are getting divorced. I want you to know, it's not your fault, it's their kids' fault (your parents). Look. Your gaggy & gagoo got together at the ages of 18 because they thought he would die a hero's death, not live an antihero's life; Nam was hard on Joseph, and he wasn't the same man who proposed to me. That's right. It's me; I was your grandma this whole time. We're exploring our options in this modern age, separating to just date ourselves for a while, and while you're still young, and a sacrilegious heathen who need repent before hellfire rain down upon your entire household & the earth swallows you up & Jesus flicks cigarettes at you as the only sound all around is the grinding and gnashing of teeth, you should enjoy yourself.

Just have fun with it! Life I mean!

P.S. Sorry for this drawn out Christmas card. I wish I had any pictures of myself to attach but this Internet is hard to use; I barely know how to finger myself while looking at videos with my personal favorite keywords "black throbbing gangbang" so you're on your own kids! PEACE! *mic drop*

*Sponsored content, paid $25k for posting to insanely popular website

**Double-check, I got a Master's in Arts of Anthropology online with only 60 college credits

Adam Papes